I am going on a vacation without my baby for the first time in 2 weeks time. Just the though of it stirs so many conflicting emotions in me. I am excited yet apprehensive. Happy yet guilty. Excited that I get to spend a few girly days, just me and my sis bonding. Apprehensive about leaving baby Lauren with my husband, will he manage? Happy to finally be able to have some time on my own. Yet guilty for not being there for my baby if she needs me.
However, I do feel that this vacation is necessary to regain my sanity. I feel that I have totally lost my freedom. Simple things like taking a long shower or eating a meal in peace are very rare nowadays. Not to mention I haven’t had a long 7-hour-sleep (without interruptions) in more than 6 months. I also find myself losing patience easily lately. So going on a vacation allows me to do whatever and whenever I feel like doing, even if it is just a few days.
As I’m blogging now, I am trying to put baby Lauren to sleep by nursing her. So yes, she is feeding at my breast as I type. Blogging had became an outlet because let’s face it, staying full time at home with a baby, I don’t get much chance to talk to any adult besides my husband. Ok, I mean besides the occasional catch-up with friends and whatsapp.
My sister and I live in different countries. She is in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia while I had moved away from home 9 years ago when I moved to Sydney. And I am now in Singapore. We probably only see each other 2 to 3 times a year. Either in KL or Singapore. And one of us is always preoccupied with something else when the other visits. Her with her kids when I am there, and me with Lauren or work when she is here.
Last reason is a not really a reason, more like a trigger. You see, since we had Lauren, my husband had travelled away a few times. Once back to Sydney for his mate’s wedding, once to Bangkok for a bachelor’s weekend and a few golf trips, while I stayed home with Lauren. So this is his chance to spend some uninterrupted quality time with our baby, without me being there. I am pretty sure he’ll ‘appreciate’ it. My passive-aggressive way for saying how much I ‘love’ his weekends away.
I know I’ll miss Lauren heaps. I’m already dreading the moment when I have to leave to go to the airport but it has to be done. For me, for the baby. For I’ll come home a better mother. Fingers crossed.
